A sure fire way to keep from moving on after your divorce is to consider yourself a victim. Being a victim makes you powerless. You must take responsibility for your past, good or bad, if you have any chance of creating a new post-divorce life.
To consider yourself a victim is a way of placing the blame for what has happened on someone else. To blame someone else removes the responsibility of what has happened and renders you powerless. In order to unstick yourself from the past you must accept the fact that you had a role, no matter the size, in the dissolution of your marriage.
It is easier to just pass along the blame to someone else that to accept personal responsibility. Even if one spouse was a liar or unfaithful, there were undoubtedly signs early on that indicated something was not quite right in the marriage, and likely ignored. If these signs were ignored and we just lived in denial, then we can only blame ourselves for not taking some kind of action.
OK, so how are you supposed to get past feeling like a victim? Consider the following:
Seek out the truth — If you can sit back and take a good look at your marriage you will begin to see that you played a part in what happened during your marriage and your divorce. It’s the interpretation of the truth that needs a bit of help. “My wife cheated on my with the pool guy and never fessed up to it when I confronted her” The victim interprets this as “I failed as a husband, my wife doesn’t find me attractive anymore, I’ll just pretend it never happened so she is happy since I can’t make her happy anymore”
The truth is she cheated on you. …the end. Only she knows the real reason, but who cares? The fact remains that she cheated and that is unacceptable. Let all of that other junk go, stick with the truth.
What are you afraid of? — What is it that is making you remain a victim? Why can’t you see through the fog of victimhood and recognize the truth? Do you enjoy being a victim? Is it because you don’t have to take any of the blame? Will it make you feel like the “bad guy” if you accept some responsibility? …It is imperative that you take a hard look at these questions and address each of them and work your way through it.
Is fear controlling you? — Do you fear the unknown and are letting that run your life? Is it the not knowing what the future has in store for you that has you trapped? Are you afraid of being alone? What about being alone frightens you? Can you step back from you situation and see the absurdity of it all?
Make some changes — Get out and make new friends, do something different, buy some rose color glasses, something! Do something to change your perspective. Take some steps towards taking responsibility, stop resisting it. Get out of the doldrums and start living again.
Mistakes are for learning — Learn from your mistakes. Take what happened and turn it into a life lesson. Use this new found wisdom to be a better person. There is a reason behind everything that happens, seek it out, learn from it. Remember, what doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger. …become stronger as a result of your experiences.
Nothing positive in being a victim — Nothing can be gained by playing the victim. You will never get on with your life until you let that go. There’s no chance you ever find someone new, perhaps your real “true love” if you consider yourself a victim. …nobody wants to be with “that person”.
“Accept fate, and move on. Don’t yield to the seductive pull of self-pity. Acting like a victim threatens your future.” Author unknown